Appreciating the lift to the airport, you hear friends and family departing one another with “have a safe flight!” How. How am I supposed to have a safe flight. I walk on, sit in my seat, strap my belt on and just sit there. Why do people say this. It is completely out of the passenger’s control whether they have a safe flight or not.

Whenever I seem to go to the airport, I ALWAYS get ‘randomly’ screened for either bombs or drugs. Rule: Never say bomb in an airport or an Islamic country. Have broken this rule in Istanbul, Turkey when I let rip a beauty and said to Eddie “mate I just dropped the biggest bomb”. Thinking caps were left at home that day.

Sitting near a good looking girl when you’re flying and single has got to be one of the worst realisations on a plane. A girl who you are somewhat trying to seem appealing toward for no other reason but ‘just because’. She instantly discovers your personal habits. The manner in which food disintegrates in your gob, your natural body odour, your level of patience and my favourite of all, knowing approximately how long you poo for. Everybody in your section knows that you are wasting a bit of time just sitting there, playing games. Games that include putting the start of the roll of toilet paper in the bowl and watching it roll all the way out as you flush. But the fact that someone aesthetically appealing knows that, it’s not real comforting. It’s even worse when it’s her turn because girls don’t poo, right?

Boarding the plane, you’re forced to walk through first and business class to get to the zoo at the back, just so they can show you what you couldn’t afford. Almost immediately the flight attendants give you a hot hand towel to do god knows what with it. It’s always way too hot and after five seconds it’s colder than putting a haymaker on grannies chin. I know the thing is just going to make my face dehydrated yet I still wipe every bit of showing skin because I feel I should. They’re somewhat lazy at collecting them as well so your stuck with a damp towel you can’t put down anywhere because wherever it sits, that spot will be damp for the next few hours. Useless.

Gearing up to watch a few movies as the wheels hide into the stomach of the plane. Chuck on your headphones that make your ears feel like they’ve been tugged at back and forth for the duration of your flight. Along with uncomfortable sleeping positions, an international flight really does have a way of saying ‘screw you but thanks for you coins’.

I always forget just how damn frustrating air travel is. If it wasn’t for the excitement of the destination, it definitely wouldn’t be worth it. Hopefully I don’t sound like a stuck up ungrateful bloke, because I certainly am not, but if you have been a passenger on a plane before, I’m surely you can relate to some of it