“Bye Bye Charlotte’s Pass, John Maslin is a pain in the ass, handicaps are really fast, there’s got to be a way I can win, the race on the Boys Weekend” 

Along to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean, these lyrics represent the values and banter that entails the annual exclusive ‘Boys Weekend’ in the Southern Alps Ski Club lodge down at Charlotte Pass in the Aussie Alps. 

Couple of weeks ago old man Perks told me there was a spare bed on the Boys Weekend and asked if I wanted to take it. At the time, if I had known I would be smelling the toxic anus sneezes of thirty seven men and woken up at 4am to what I mistaken bricks being thrown into the bottom of the toilet to actually be curb side quiche, I probably would have thought twice about my decision. Perhaps a tad naive, I wasn’t aware of what the weekend would produce but in hindsight, that made it a hell of a lot more fun and a thousand times funnier.

After a fairly tame first night, the first day of skiing was a bluebird with not a breathe of wind. This made the hike up to Mount Stillwell and beers at the top for the sixteen participants a bucket load more enjoyable. By the arvo everyone continued to hook into beers over dinner and slid our way down to the pub to get on it. At least that’s what I thought would happen and instead found myself the only one of the boys in the pub with all the staff that work in the village. Although the majority very friendly, their appearance was definitely less than mediocre to put it nicely.

Day two of skiing another bluebird day encountered the scattering of the late Henk Dukino’s ashes and words spoken about his commitment to the Boys Weekend as one of the founders and most passionate comrades. All thirty seven of us skied in a line down the hill to the pub for a beer to toast Henk and those who the Boys Weekend has lost over the years.

Sunday was race day. The rules of being a newcomer or bitch as it is probably more commonly known for the younger newbies, meant that we cannot win the Boys Weekend race for at least the first three years. As a result, this meant that to make the trophy fair for all to win, everybody is handicapped based on their ability. John Maslin is the handicapper and cops more shit than a portaloo next to an Indian restaurant. In the honour of the definition of banter, the line in the chorus above John Maslin is a pain in the ass refers to the fact that he dictates everyone’s ‘unfair handicaps’ as it goes.

Without buying all the tickets on myself (they’ve all sold out), Maslin put my handicap as the lowest meaning it was nearly impossible for me to win the race. When questioning as to why my handicap was 3.55% off my actual time when other’s handicaps were 30%, he explained that had I won the race he would have been a deadman and most likely relieved of his duties as the handicapper.

Garry Dukino won the Boys Weekend race which was all too fitting to the fact his name will be the first name on the new trophy in commemoration of his brother, the late Henk Dukino and late Neville Hines.

I reckon I would have been laughing for a good third of the time spent in Charlotte Pass this weekend, one occurrence in particular I keep falling into fits of laughter about and it has to do with these anus sneezes. Blakey was cracking some shockers, clearing the floor of the pub several times. On one of these sneezes, one of the blokes, Greg, walks away after the stench protrudes his nostrils and starts to dry reach. As he started to leg it to the bathroom, the dry reach turned very quickly into chunder. As Greg has walked out rattled as anything, he thinks he smells of vomit so walks back into the bathroom and rubs soap all over his shirt and stands under the hand dryer. It’s these sort of examples that are exactly the type of thing that made the weekend of laughs and fun, what it was. Can’t wait to do it next year if the boys are happy to have me back. For obvious reasons of it being a boys weekend, many things that did take place is for footy field talk and barbie stories; all stories that will stay sacred to the weekend and add value to its long history.

As a little side note, I’m going to make a little video which will have the full length of this Boys Weekend song playing so keep an eye out for that if you’re interested in hearing it – it’s quite good.